Absolutely Funny Jokes

Monday
------

8:05am
User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password
retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me
and hang up. God, we let these people vote and drive, too?

8:12am
Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports
database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it works
for me." Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker
from the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it
again. One more happy customer...

8:14 am
User from 8:05 call said they received error message "Error accessing
Drive 0." Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to
microsupport.

11:00 am
Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone
back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into
town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial
closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The "Myst" and "Doom"
nationals are this weekend!

11:34 am
Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed
on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access
database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend
so performance reviews are sent to */US.

12:00 pm
Lunch

3:30 pm
Return from lunch.

3:55 pm
Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no
reason. Return to napping.

4:23 pm
Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form.
Ask them what chip set they're using. Tell them to call back when
they find out.

4:55 pm
Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift
has something to do.

Tuesday
-------

8:30 am
Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy. Terrible
time with Save/Replication conflicts.

9:00 am
Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on
PhoneNotes SmartIcon. "Love to, but kinda busy. Put something in
the calendar database!" I yell as I grab for the support lines,
which have (mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling.

9:35 pm
Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they need
form J-19R=9C9\\DARR\K1. Say they never heard of such a form. Tell
them it's in the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they never heard of
such a database. Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement.

10:00 am
Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID. Tell
her I need employee number, department name, manager name, and
marital status. Run @DbLookup against state parole board database,
Centers for Disease Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey database.
No hits. Tell her ID will be ready tonight. Drawing from the
lessons learned in last week's "Reengineering for Customer
Partnership," I offer to personally deliver ID to her apartment.

10:07 am
Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement.
Offer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch console while
I grab a smoke.

1:00 pm
Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he
transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.

1:05 pm
Big commotion! Support manager falls in a hole left where I pulled
floor tiles outside his office door. Stressed to him importance of
not running in the computer room, even if I do yell "Omigod -- Fire!"

1:15 pm
Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in
form names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will
fix it. Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks.


1:20 pm
Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for
"Notice Loads" or "NoLoad Goats," she's not sure, couldn't hear over
industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably "Lettuce Nodes."
Maybe the food distributor with a new product? She thinks about it
and hangs up.

2:00 pm
Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check
in her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell her it
probably fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape over
all the airvents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create
new ID for her while she does that.

2:49 pm
Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day.

Wednesday
---------

8:30 am
Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form.
Tell them Of course, they should have been checking "Bitset," not
"chipset." Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.

9:10am
Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules
10:00am meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support
manager about terrible help at support desk. Tell them the manager
is about to go into a meeting. Sometimes life hands you material...

10:00 am
Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support
manager's office. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest
several lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in
third-world countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By
and by, I ask if he's aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed random e-mail
databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer
in Marketing on the corporate Web page. Meeting is adjourned as he
reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums.

10:30 am
Tell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe
corporate PBX system sometime.

11:00 am
Lunch.

4:55 pm
Return from lunch.

5:00 pm
Shift change; Going home.

Thursday
--------
8:00 am
New guy ("Marvin") started today. "Nice plaids" I offer. Show him
server room, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him up with
IBM PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both
monochrome and color.

8:45 am
New guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID for
him. Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke.

9:30 am
Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. "Nice plaids" Louie
comments. Is this guy great or what?!

11:00 am
Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out of
sleeves ("Always have backups"). User calls, says Accounting server
is down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception)
and plug back into hub. Tell user to try again. Another happy
customer!

11:55 am
Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01: "Whereas all new employee
beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy all proper aspects with
said corporation, said employee is obligated to provide sustenance
and relief to senior technical analyst on shift." Marvin doubts. I
point to "Corporate Policy" database (a fine piece of work, if I say
so myself!). "Remember, that's DOUBLE pepperoni and NO peppers!" I
yell to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile to get to the exit
door.

1:00 pm
Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy...

4:30 pm
Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads.

5:00 pm
Shift change. Flick HR's server off and on several times (just
testing the On/Off button...). See ya tomorrow.

Friday
------
8:00 am
Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told
them it worked fine before I left.

9:00 am
Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these calls
myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.

9:02 am
Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and the
Oiuji board determine it's sunspots. Tell them to call
Telecommunications.

9:30 am
Good God, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San Diego
and can't replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it's sunspots, but
with a two-hour difference. Suggest he reset the time on the server
back two hours.

10:17 am
Pensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell them
to set server ahead three hours.

11:00 am
E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time
on their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to
Milwaukee.

11:20 am
Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook.

11:23 am
Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is?

11:25 am
Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. "So hard
to get good help..." I respond. Support manager says he has an
appointment with the orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I

mind
sitting in on the weekly department head meeting for him. "No
problem!"

11:30 am
Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a
meeting this afternoon. "Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff", I
tell him.

12:00 pm
Lunch.

1:00 pm
Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make
them fast.

1:03 pm
Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology!

2:30 pm
Look in support manager's contact management database. Cancel 2:45
PM appointment for him. He really should be at home resting, you
know.

2:39 pm
New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection
document. Tell them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL.
Says PC rebooted. Tell them to call microsupport.

2:50 pm
Support manager calls to say mixup at doctor's office means
appointment cancelled. Says he's just going to go on home. Ask him
if he's seen corporate Web page lately.

3:00 pm
Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working.
Suggest they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to
send them document addendum which says so.

4:00 pm
Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also set
point size to "2" in help databases.

4:30 pm
User calls to say they can't see anything in documents. Tell them to
go to view, do a "Edit -- Select All", hit delete key, and then
refresh. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.

4:45 pm
Another user calls. Says they can't read help documents. Tell them
I'll fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings.

4:58 pm
Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not (too)
much.

5:00 pm
Night shift shows up. Tell them that the hub is acting funny and to
have a good weekend.