Absolutely Funny Jokes

How do you spell "phonetic"?

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC (now
officially the European Union, or EU), the European Parliament has
commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in
communications between Government departments.

European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is
unnecessary difficult; for example: cough, plough, rough, through and
thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to
iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be
administered by a committee staff at top level by participating
nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using
's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would
resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by
'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear
up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be
made with one less letter.

There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it was
anounsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'.
This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty persent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have
always been a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag
is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ
as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins
the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing
'th' by 'z'.

Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is,
after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o' kould be dropd
from vords kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to
ozer kombinations of leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli
sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis
and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of ur
glorios ledrs vud finali hav kum tru.

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Proppa Gramma

1.Always avoid alliteration.
2.Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3.Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4.Employ the vernacular.
5.Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6.Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7.It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8.Contractions aren't necessary.
9.Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10.One should never generalize.
11.Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
12.Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13.Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14.Profanity sucks.
15.Be more or less specific.
16.Understatement is always best.
17.Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
18.One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19.Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20.The passive voice is to be avoided.
21.Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
22.Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
23.Who needs rhetorical questions?