Absolutely Funny Jokes

Male Answer Syndrome

In the animal kingdom, males exhibit what is known as "display behavior" in order to
attract females and to ward off rival males. They thrust out their chests, ruffle their
plumage, and generally try to appear more impressive than they really are. On nature
shows, this is comic. It appears comic, too, when it shows up among humans: the guy
in the Camaro with all the gold chains, say, or Vanilla Ice's haircut. It has been
discovered that display behavior is much more common among humans than had been
previously believed.

Have you ever wondered why:

Men who have never been west of Kentucky can tell you about the mentality of
the Japanese?
Men who can't pay their credit-card bills have a plan for dealing with the
national debt?
Men who aren't on speaking terms with their families know how to achieve
peace in the Middle East?
Men who flunked high-school physics can explain what went wrong at NASA?
Men who haven't had a date in six months know what women really want?

Try an experiment: Ask my friend Jeff, who spends his weekends fixing up his Harley
and watching female mud wrestling, how he thinks political autonomy will affect the
economies of the Baltic states.

His brow will furrow; he will purse his lips thoughtfully. "It's interesting that you
mention that...," he will begin, and then he will come up with something-probably
nothing remotely feasible, but something.

This behavior-the chronic answering of questions regardless of actual knowledge is
known as Male Answer Syndrom. The compulsion to answer varies from person to
person, but few men are happy saying, "I don't know." They prefer, "That's not what's
important here."

They try not to get bogged down by petty considerations, such as, "Do I know
anything about this subject?" or "Is what I have to say interesting?" They take a broad
view of questions, treating them less as requests for specific pieces of information than
as invitations to expand on some theories, air a few prejudices, and tell a couple of
jokes. Some men seem to regard life as a talk show on which they are the star guest.
If you ask, "What is the capital of Peru?" they hear, "So tell us a bit about your early
years, Bob."

Sometimes this expansiveness is appealing. If you ask a woman, "Why did Madonna
go on the David Letterman Show?" she will simply shrug helplessly, acknowledging
that some things are simply unknowable. A man, on the other hand, will come up with
a few theories (she has the same agent? overdose of Prozac). Men have the courage
and inventiveness to try to explain the inexplicable.

But Male Answer Syndrome (MAS) is by no means harmless, as my friend Pauline
discovered at the age of 8. She had found that eating ice cream made her teeth hurt
and asked her father whether Eskimos had the same problem. "No," he said. "They
have rubber teeth." Pauline repeated this information in a geography lesson and found
herself the laughing stock of the class. That was how she learned that a man, even if
he is your own father, would rather make up an answer than admit to his ignorance.

Later in life women run into the same problem: Men can speak with such conviction
that women may be fooled into thinking that they actually know what they're talking
about.

My friend Jeff (he of the Harley) is full of expertise on subjects as diverse as global
warming and Elvis' current whereabouts. In reality, however, he is an expert at only
one thing: making very little knowledge go a very long way. For him answering is a
game, and not knowing what he's talking about just adds to the thrill.

Expressing skepticism can be highly inflammatory. Even mild-mannered Abe Lincoln
types may react to, "Are you sure about that?" as a vicious slur on their manhood and
find themselves backing up a ludicrous assertion with spurious facts.

Many women actively encourage male answering behavior. There is in the female
correlative condition known as the Say What? Complex. Women who behind closed
doors expound eloquently on particle physics may be found, in male company, gaping
at the news that the earth is round.

MAS tends to be mild until puberty; boys begin to speak with authority on matters of
foreign policy at the same time they start to grow facial hair. And how MAS
developed: Since killing wooly mammoths and attacking enemies with rocks are now
frowned upon, and since shirts open to the navel are not appropriate in every social
situation, men prove their masculinity by concocting elaborate theories about football.

Growing awareness of MAS has led some to call for a moratorium on all male-female
conversation. This is alarmist. But care should be taken. Women must remind
themselves that if a man tells them something particularly interesting there is a good
chance that it is particularly untrue.

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Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are
the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they
present you with a small but incredibly
sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an
infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and
permanently eliminating oppression and violence all
over the entire Earth. You decide to:

a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.


2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him
know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.


4. What about hugging another male?

a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout:
"I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series,
you may hug him provided that:
(1) He is legally within the basepath,
(2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
(3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.


5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...

a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.


6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.


7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and
intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday
afternoon the two of you are taking it easy --
you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers -- when she
suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really
loves you, but she can no longer bear the
uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's
not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together.
What do you say?

a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime
soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.

8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her
-- sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities
that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea
breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?


9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your
three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"


10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which
ones were originally intended for your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody
-- and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard his underwear,
which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.

11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact
that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they
finally got to the Promised Land?

a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.

12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Remote control.

How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c." A
real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy would score
at least 15, because he would get the special
five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's
disease and cancer.

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Orgasms

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, and had a couple of
left-over things in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam
and Eve in the Garden.

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the
ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple
who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if
either one of you wanted that ability."

Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd
love tobe able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh
please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It would be so
great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it
rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to,
let me stand and pee, oh please........." On and on he went like an excited
little boy (who had to pee).

Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that
if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of
thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were
the one given the ability to stand up and pee.
And so it was. And it was...well, good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts.
"What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms... Eve, I give this ability to
you".

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The Top Ten Things Men Do Wrong In Bed

The "Do's" of sex have everything to do with the particulars of the
persons involved, but -- at least amongst women -- there are several
"Don'ts" that are all but universal.

Ask any woman about what types of things make for a poor sexual
experience and there is one astounding, virtually unanimous answer:
The Ol' Roll Over. It is too obvious for discussion here, but let's
just reiterate this fact once, for frat boys' sake: it is safe to
say, women hate it when a man releases himself and then rolls over,
snoring. This is true whether or not both parties did indeed reach
climax and/or see God. It's just not okay.

That said, let's move on to the real shit. These are the problems
that arise when partaking in the lurid richness of grinding naked
bodies with so-so lovers and other malcontent men. Obviously not
scientific in nature, this "study" of sorts was conducted by polling
a cross-section of women at work and school, in bars, ladies rooms
and bus stations. Everyone of them had something to contribute,
usually quite vehemently.

The Countdown: The Top Ten Things Men do just plain WRONG in
bed

10. Kneading our breasts as if they were prepping dough and
making bread. This is in no way sexy/and or directly
pleasurable. Conversely, tweaking our nipples as if they were
the knobs on the car stereo does not elicit great enjoyment on
our parts either.

9. Over dramatically and very theatrically announcing the fact
that you are indeed coming, now, coming, any moment, oh yes, am
coming NOW! Don't get us wrong -- communication is a good
thing. Notifying us isn't necessarily bad, it can even be kinda
cool. However, overstating this fact histrionically and
melodramatically, as in (screeched at the top of your lungs)
"HolyMotherofJesusIAMCOMING!" is a bad thing.

8. Inversely, absolute quiet is also a bad thing. Now, here
many women differ; some like it when men talk through sex,
others would really rather the chatter be omitted. Many say it
truly depends on what it is the man is saying. Provided your
both in the heat of things, a bit of sprightly and slightly
vulgar disclosure can make for a nice accompaniment. But more
important are the sounds: pleasurable sighs, whispers, murmurs,
yelps, and squeals are essential.

7. WRONG HOLE!

6. Climbing into bed and going straight for our genitals.
Foreplay includes other parts of the body. Women have all sorts
of erogenous zones that are particular to just them. Just for
the sake of example, I will offer up that one of mine is my
head. Play with my hair, run your fingers across my scalp,
tickle my neck with the tips of your fingers and I am all
yours. Virtual silly putty. In other words, communication about
your body -- and this works for men and women -- is essential
in sex. Letting your partner know what turns you on and where
those special parts of your body that are uniquely you are and
the sex will be more enjoyable and it will probably last longer
than fifteen minutes too. (This sounds like eighties era advice
a'la Dr. Ruth, so...) Here's one tricky little problem: when
asking us our "favorite thing," we request that that very
"thing" not be the only "thing" you do in the future. Variety
is the spice of life. (another Dr. Ruthism.)

5. The use of the word "love" when naked and the utter
avoidance of same word when clothed, i.e., the oft-inaccurate
expression "making love" and the ever-popular, "I love you."
These are fabulous phrases when the two in question have openly
declared their love for one another with their clothes on. But
when having sex with someone that you well, like, or better
yet, lust, the term "making love" is a downright semantic
inaccuracy. Screwing, fucking, grinding naked, sweaty bodies
against one another, those are all appropriate expressions.
Tender epithets are fab too, but let's stay away from overusing
the word "love," because the meaning has already been reduced
to two notches above zed.

4. When a man is directly pleasing the woman and at that very
moment in time, not receiving direct stimulation himself (other
than the pure enjoyment of pleasing us) it would be a good
thing if the man in question appear interested and entertained.
Do not just wait for our orgasm and then think "my turn!"
Please be interested in how this is making us feel, noting the
intricate nature of our sexuality. I like to refer to this as
"mindless diddling," when the man is thinking about his job,
his car, his dog, or his orgasm while supposedly entertaining
our sexual notions. Sex, even at its most carnal, is a two-way
meeting of the emotional and the physical of both (or, I
suppose, several) people. If you aren't interested in how this
is affecting us, we might as well be doing it ourselves. We
probably know how better anyway.

3. "WRONG HOLE!"

2. Pushing a woman's head down further onto the penis in the
middle of the act known affectionately but not very
appropriately as Head. This instills in us an urge to gag
because a) a hard member is being shoved violently down our
throat cavity, and b) because the man who does this is an
insensitive fucker and we're nauseous from wondering what the
hell we're doing naked with him. It hurts. Don't do it.

1. If a man won't "go down on you," virtually all women polled
said, "he's out of there." This is almost a
sex-don't-universal, only second to the "ol' roll over." If
oral pleasure is not part of the program fairly frequently, the
women say they are uninterested in continuing sex with this
partner. Sorry, but this is the primary way the majority of
women experience orgasm, more so than from penetration, more so
than from hand manipulation. We crave it. We need it. I'm truly
surprised more people haven't written about this fact. And
besides, cunnilingus is such a fun word to say.

One woman said that her ex-husband performed cataclysmic cunnilingus
prior to their wedding, but refused once they were indeed married.
This, she plaintively stated, is why he is now her EX-husband.

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The Heuristic Squelch Dating Guide (a Berkeley publication)

_What they say_ _What they mean_

"Did you come?" "Because I didn't."
"I have something to tell you." "Get tested."
"I'm a Romantic." "I'm poor."
"I'll give you a call." "I'd rather have my nipples eaten off
by wild dogs than see you again."

"I never meant to hurt you." "I thought you weren't a virgin."
"Trust me." "I'm cheating on you."
"I love you." "You're a good lay."
"I think we should just be friends." "You're ugly."
"Haven't I seen you before?" "Nice ass."
"I want to make love to you." "Let's fuck."
"Was it good for you?" "I'm insecure about my manhood."
"We need to talk." "I'm pregnant."
"I had a wonderful time last night." "Who the hell are you?"
"I've been thinking a lot." "You're not as attractive as
when I was drunk."
"I've learned a lot from you." "Next!"
"I want a commitment." "I'm sick of masturbation."
"I think we should see other people." "I have been seeing other
people."
"Let's get married." "Now can we fuck?"
"We don't have to do anything until "Put out or get out."
you are ready."
"I feel it's time to express our love "Give me head."
for each other."
"I still think about you." "I miss the sex."
"Is there something wrong?" "Is it supposed to be this
soft?"
"You're so mature." "I hope you're eighteen."
"It's never been like this before." "It's my first time."
"Yes...Yes...*scream!*" "Aren't you done yet?"

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THE LAST 10 THINGS ANY MAN WOULD EVER SAY:

10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool mother-fucker!
9. While I'm up can I get you a beer?
8. I'm absolutely wrong, you must be right!
7. Her tits are just too big!
6. Sometimes, I just want to be held.
5. That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody.
4. Sure, I would love to wear a condom.
3. We haven't been to the mall in ages, let's go shopping so I can
hold your purse.
2. Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
1. I think we are lost, we'd better pull over and ask for directions.

THE LAST 10 THINGS ANY WOMAN WOULD EVER SAY:

10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being
friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the toilet seat up. It's easier for me to
douche that way.
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Hey, getta whif of that one!
6. Please don't throw that old t-shirt away...the holes in the
armpits
are just too cute.
5. This diamond is way too big.
4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
3. Wow, it really is 14 inches!
2. Does this make my butt look too small?
1. I'm wrong, YOU MUST be right!

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Subject: 5 Toughest Questions Women Ask


The 5 toughest questions women ask - and their answers

The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not
answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:

1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of
course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting
on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful
woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what
the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of
five things:
a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid
question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it
by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking
instead of thinking."

The other questions also have only one right answer but many
wrong answers:

2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is,
"Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you
may answer, "Yes, dear. Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?

3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to
confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then
quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your
insurance policy.



4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question
could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard
thay you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you
just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much
prettier." Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your
insurance policy.

5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love,
in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have
meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front
tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This
might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the
following stupid joke: