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THE PRIVATE EYE I am a private eye. Yesterday I was standing in my New York office when there was a knock at the door, which startled me out of my secretary. Then my first case came in and I polished off two bottles. I am so tough I wear my clothes out from the inside. Suddenly a tall blonde walked past my window, I know she was tall because we were on the 7th floor. The phone rang, I knew there was something wrong because I didn't have a phone. I ran down the stairs and called a cab. The cab stopped with a jerk, the jerk got out, and I jumped in. The driver took the corner at 80 MPH, a cop stopped us and told us to put it back. We kept to the footpaths because there was a saying going around to keep death off the roads. Then we were out of the city, I knew this because we weren't hitting so many pederstrians. As we came to my clients place she greeted me with a burning kiss, she then took the cigarette out of her mouth and kissed me again. She pointed two 38's at me, she also had a gun. She had beautiful blonde hair, she had blonde hair on her head too. She had teeth like the ten commandments - all broken. She had the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. In fact one eye was so beautiful the other eye could not stop looking at it. There was a man lying on the floor, he had a stab wound to his heart, 17 bullet holes in his head and slashed wrists, he was dead. So I took her for a drive in the country to calm her down. A brick was thrown through the window and hit her on the left tit, breaking four of my fingers. We then got a flat tyre, I pumped, then she pumped, and then I pumped some more. Then after I finished I got out and fixed the tyre. I took her home and she asked me in for a root beer. The root was nice but the beer was flat. I was giving her a good night kiss when she closed her legs and broke my glasses.

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