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Psychology
One day a guy went to a psychologist for the first time. After telling him
his troubles,
the man says, "So doc, what's wrong with me?"
The doctor replies, "Well, you're crazy."
Indignant, the man replies, "I am not, I want another opinion."
To which the doctor replies, "OK... You're also ugly."
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A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the
bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and
asks,
tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep
with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks
back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.
You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology,
and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"
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A man has a flat tire while driving down a desolate road in the middle of
a dark and
stormy night. He gets out of the car, cursing in the rain, and-- in a flash
of lightning--
realizes that he has stopped right next to a tall wire fence bearing the sign
"Insane
Asylum."
Though initially nervous, the man becomes really afraid when he notices that
a light has
come one in the windows of the dark building, and that someone is watching
him. With
shaking hands, he begins to jack up the car and remove the tire, all the while
looking
behind his shoulder nervously. Then, in a flash of lightning, he sees a lone
figure in
pajamas and a bathrobe making its way toward him, down the long path between
the
asylum and the fence. He begins to panic, and tries to change the tire as
fast as he can, so
that he can get away before the figure reaches him, but his hands are shaking
and the hex
nuts are slick with rain.
Looking back over his shoulder, he sees the figure slowly coming closer and
closer.
Finally, just as he removes the last nut, he looks over his shoulders and--
in a flash of
lightning-- sees the horrible, distorted face of the lunatic, glaring at him
from the other
side of the fence, only a few feet away. Startled, the man yells, leaps back,
and drops all
of the metal nuts into a puddle of mud at his feet.
After a moment of tense, horrible silence, the lunatic says, "What yer
problem, mister?"
The man, stuttering with fright manages to burble out, "Well, I... I
got a flat tire and I...I
lost all my hex nuts and now I can't even get the spare tire on." The
lunatic answers,
"Why don't you just take one hex nut from the other three tires? That'll
get you to the next
town at least."
Startled by the lunatic's seeming clarity, the man asks "How'd you think
of that?"
To which the lunatic answers, "Hell, I may be crazy but I ain't stupid!"
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Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who are and what you want. Just
stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you
which
number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will
answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the
think you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite
off
your ear.
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An MIT student spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field
every
day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field
for ten
or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle
and then
walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time for the first
Harvard
football game, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle. The
game
had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off the field.
The guy
wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.
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A man goes to a psychologist and tells the doctor, "Doc, I think I have
an
obsession with sex." The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by showing
him various ink blots.
"What does this look like to you?" asks the doctor.
"Two people having sex, in a bed," replies the client.
"And this one?" asks the doctor, presenting a new ink blot.
"Two people having sex, in a car." replies the client.
"And how about this one?"
"Two people having sex, in a field."
"Well," says the doctor, "you do seem to have an obsession
with sex."
"Me?!" demands the client, "You're the one who keeps showing
me the dirty
pictures!"
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Scroll Down, reading a line at a time, or you will ruin the effect.
Say the word "20" (Twenty), twenty times.... (twenty,twenty,twenty...so
on)
20
20
20
20
20
20
20
20
20
20
20
20.... are you done?
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QUICK!!! NAME A VEGETABLE! don't think to hard.
what is the first thing that comes you your mind?
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Was it CARROTS? (freaky isn't it?)
DID IT WORK FOR YOU? if it didn't, you are one WEIRD guy.
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READ this sentence:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.
Now count aloud the F's in that sentence. Count them
ONLY ONCE; do not go back and count them again.
scroll down...
ANSWER
There are six F's in the sentence. One of average
intelligence finds three of them. If you spotted four,
you're above average. If you got five, you can turn
your nose at most anybody. If you caught six, you are
a genius. There is no catch.
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