Absolutely Funny Jokes

Exam

Here is a true story regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that
during an examination one day, a bright young student popped up and asked
the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale.
The following dialogue ensued:
Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me
Cakes and Ale.
At this point the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws
of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed
to the section which read (rough translation from the Latin): "Gentlemen
sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale."
Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat
there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.
Three weeks later the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword
to the examination.

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Chemistry

Introductory Chemistry at Duke University has been taught for about a
zillion years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is
semi-affectionately known as "Bonkistry." He has been around forever,
so I wouldn't put it past him to come up with something like this.

Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry
and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and
labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These
two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend
before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they
decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there.

So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers
and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back
to Duke until early monday morning. Rather than taking the final then,
what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to
him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVa
for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but
that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and
couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to
campus.

Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the
final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved.

So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that
Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each
of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the
first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions
and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be
easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were
unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said:


(95 points) Which tire?

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Medicine

It is recounted that at King's College in the Strand around the time of
the war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year's rounds
by teaching "a singularly important principle of medicine." He asked a nurse
to fetch him a sample of Urine. He then talked at length about Diabetes
mellitus. "Diabetes," he said, "is a greek name; but the Romans noticed that
the bees like the urine of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which
means sweet as honey. Well, as you know, you may find sugar in the urine of
a diabetic ... " By now the nurse had returned with a sample of urine which
the registrar promptly held up like a trophy. We stared at that straw
colored fluid as if we had never seen such a thing before. The registrar
then startled us.

He dipped a finger boldly into the urine, then licked his finger with the
tip of his tongue. As if tasting wine, he opened and closed his lips
rapidly. Could he perhaps detect a faint taste of sugar? The sample was
passed on to us for an opinion. We all dipped a finger into the fluid,
all of us foolishly licked that finger.

"Now," said the Registrar grinning, "You have learned the first principle
of diagnosis. I mean the power of observation." We were baffled. We stood
near the sluice room outside the ward, and in the distance, some anonymous
patient was explosively coughing. "You see," the registrar said continuing
triumphantly, "I dipped my MIDDLE finger into the urine, but licked my
INDEX finger -- not like all you chaps.

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WORST ANALOGIES EVER WRITTEN IN A HIGH SCHOOL ESSAY" contest

"She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used
to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the
door open again."

"The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't."

"Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze."

"Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the
center."

"He was as tall as a six-foot three-inch tree."

"The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you
fry them in hot grease."

"He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a
guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country
speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar
eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it."

"Jeff and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met."

"The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet
of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play."

"His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a drier without 'Cling-Free."

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Kids Answers

The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams,
and class room discussions; most were from fifth- and sixth-graders. They
illustrate Mark Twain's contention that the "most interesting information
comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop."

- One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse
500 feet in one second.

- You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you
came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never
mind.

- When they broke open molecules, they found they were only
stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found
them stuffed with explosions.

- When people run around and around in circles we say they are
crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

- Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to
change back into a sun in the daytime.

- Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others
preferred to be oil.

- Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we
know they're there.

- Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But
I have never been able to make out the numbers.

- We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation.
Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put
the top on.

- I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to
do it, and that is the important thing.

- Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue
will kill the strongest man.

- Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

- Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names
sound.

- It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there
have to live other places.

* Our new teacher told us all about fossils. Before she came to our
class, I didn't know what a fossil looked like.

* We get our temperature in three different ways. Either fasirinheit,
cellcius, or centipede.

* Sex is not having two people going to bed to get rid of their
frustration. It's what you get out of it. Sex can bring about trust
and caring deeply for one another, which can create an endurable
relationship.

* Pavlov studied the salvation of dogs.

* My aunt won't be having any more kids because her tubes are tired.

* A molecule is so small that it can't be seen by the naked observer.

* In biology today, we digested a frog.

* To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into you nose until it
drops down into you throat.

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Scottish Physiology

A story from the mid-1930s, U. of Edinburgh medical school, second-term
human physiology course, Prof. Kenneth Ivors,

Instructor: "Good morning, class. Before we begin today's lecture, I
should like to discover how well ye have been tracking the previous
material. Miss MacMaster, will ye stand?" (She stands.)

"Can ye tell me, which organ of the body achieves 10 times its normal size
when excited?"

(She stammers, reddens, and says nothing.)

"Ye may sit down. Mr. Campbell, can ye answer that question?"

"It is the pupil of the eye, sir."

"Vurra good. Now, Miss MacMaster, I haf three things to say to ye:
One, ye haf not done yer homework,
Two, ye haf a dirty mind, and
Three, ye'r in for a big disappointment."