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The Space Station
KOROLYOV, RUSSIA--U.S. and Russian scientists are
increasingly excited about the Mir space station project, which
promises to reveal more than has ever been known about the
scientific relationship between weightlessness and mortal terror.
"By stranding our scientists on a dilapidated space station
with faulty wiring, loose hardware, and malfunctioning air
systems," NASA head Daniel Goldin said, "we have created
extremely favorable conditions for learning about spaceborne
panic."
The two Russians and one American on board the station are
reportedly terrified beyond lucidity.
Among the groundbreaking experiments conducted on board
Mir: a June 25 collision with a cargo craft that depressurized the
Spektr module; last week's emergency power shortage, caused
by a disconnected cable; and the periodic release of "dry ice" steam
that simulates a shipboard fire. All have been deemed a
huge success by agency heads.
"They are in a constant state of what aerospace scientists term
'mind-shattering terror,' frightened for their very lives,"
Russian mission director Vladimir Solovyov said. "And we have not even
used the hull-mounted Alien puppet that taps on the
window yet."
"We have also taken huge leaps in our understanding of the
patterns created when one wets his pants in the weightlessness
of space," Solovyov said. "The urine spreads out in an expanding
sphere, something we did not expect."
Taking a break from his busy schedule, astronaut Michael Foale
told ABC News reporters: "Where is Mommy?"
"Please tell me the access code to the Soyuz capsule," Russian
cosmonaut Aleksandr Lazutkin said. "I would like to return
to the chaotic government and widespread hunger of my homeland."
Scientists expect to gain even more useful data during an
experiment at 3 a.m. tomorrow. As the astronauts sleep, whirling
red siren lights will flood the cabin while an ear-splitting klaxon
alarm jolts them awake. Detailed scientific data will then be
collected on such variables as open weeping, defecation and hair loss.
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