Absolutely Funny Jokes

One Bad Eve

Once upon a time, in a land far to the north, St Nicholas
woke up on Christmas Eve morning in an absolutely foul mood. It
had been one of those weeks where nothing had gone right. The
elves had been on strike and he'd been up most of the night
making toys, he had a bad case of the flu, and his wife would not
stop nagging.
He went out to load his sleigh with the big bag of toy and
the arse fell out of the bag, so after spending half an hour
picking toys out of the snow, he had to hunt around under the
stairs for another bag, burnt his fingers on the match he was
using to see with and bumped his head.
He went out to the shed getting more pissed off every minute,
to find four reindeers sick and that he'd have to make do with
only two, so as he was putting the harness on them, one of them
kicked him in the guts and knocked him on his arse into a fresh
pile of reindeer shit, wrecked his only clean suit and broke the
harness.
While he was sitting around in his shorts, waiting for his
suit to dry and sewing the harness, the door bell rang and scared
the shit out of him and he jabbed the needle right though his
thumb, tripped over the coffee table and stubbed his toe on the
chair. He finally got the door open to find standing there, the
Angel who had come to deliver the Christmas tree.
She asked him, "Where do you want me to put the tree?"
And that is the story of how the Angel came to be on top of the
Christmas tree.

How to have a merry Christmas

One way to liven up the prospect of another dull Christmas is to put up a
post box in your street marked "Santa's Post Box". All the kids think it's
great and start filling it with mail, and all the parents think you've
suddenly changed from an outrageously dangerous drunken bastard who
frightens the children every time you engage reverse, into a nerdy wimpo
poof with a heart of gold and a dick the size of a peanut - that is, until
they have to start to explain your replies. Here are some examples;

Dear Billy,

Greetings from the North Pole. My helpers and I are working overtime to get
all your wonderful presents ready for Christmas. You're going to get soooo
much this year because you've been such a good boy and Mummy and Daddy love
you so very much.

Let me tell you about just a few of the things you're going to find in
your stocking (better borrow one from Russell Grant because it's going to be
overflowing this year). You lucky boy!

-A football signed by the whole England World Cup squad.
-A motor powered go kart.
-All the Masters of the Universe toys
-Complete football uniforms from all the teams in Premier, First,
Second, Third, Scottish Premier, First, Second, Third divisions as well as
all the Conference League teams.
-A Transformer robot that turns into a full size nuclear submarine.
-Your own pony.
-A miniature model railway that you can ride around the garden in.
-One million toy cowboys and indians.
-A ten speed BMX bike with CB radio.
-Your own sandpit and climbing frame.
-A VHS video recorder with long play, 14 day multi programmable timer and
72cm colour TV.
-An Airwolf helicopter that really flies .... with you in it.
-IBM pentium 266 MMX, 64mb ram, 24x CD rom, 200w speakers, 3gb hard drive,
3D video card, 33.6 modem and 100 brand new games.
-Every Marvel comic ever printed.

Don't forget to show this letter to Mummy and Daddy. Tell them that
Santa never, ever breaks his promise - and that you love them very much.

Love Santa.

Dear Jaqueline,

Would you like a new kitten for Christmas? Yours is going to die before
then.

Love Santa.

Dear Lisa,

My, but do you have bad handwriting! I've just received your Christmas list
and have been trying very hard to read it. I think you're asking for a nest
of poisoness vipers and both your legs amputated in your sleep this year. I
hope I'm right.

Love Santa.

Dear Sally,

Well, who's been a right little madam, then? Who wouldn't do the
washing up like she was asked to? Or clean out Fluffy's hutch? You
know who, don't you, Sally? Yes, you do.

Your parents have told me all about it and I'm very cross with you. I
don't think you deserve any presents this year, do you? Well, actually
I don't care what you think because you're not getting any. Nothing.
Not one solitary Mars selection box. Not even a crappy school jumper from
your Aunty like last year. Zero. Nil. Not one iota. Bugger all.
And that's final.

And it's no use crying, I'm not going to change my mind, matey.

In fact, I'm so cross with you I might even come round and take back the
presents I gave you last year. I don't care how much you love dolly; if I
feel like it I'm taking her away from you - and if you try to stop me you'll
get a good hiding and no presents ever again.

I get really furious just thinking about you. In fact I'm so angry I'm
going to get my reindeer to poo all over your rabbit hutch when we fly
over your house. Let's see how Fluffy likes that, shall we? Not much
I'll bet. Ho, ho, ho, in fact, I'm quite partial to rabbit stew so
don't be too surprised if Fluffy isn't there on Christmas morning.

You're a silly, stupid, ugly little girl and Santa hates you.

Yours,
Santa.